Phase 2 journals
6/6/00 - 7/18/00
Goals:
Run a 10k race at the end of the 6 week phase.
Lose 6 lbs in the 6 week phase.
June 15th - Thursday - 5pm
Hello again!
I guess a lot has happened this week. The funeral went okay - as okay as a funeral can be. It hit me harder then I expected. My nephew was with me - he's 5 years old and I am sometimes amazed at how he can sense when things are important. He was so quiet and serious through the entire thing. I don't think he really understands what it all means. He's so silly and playful normally - but he stood still and quiet through it all. Kids really are pretty perceptive.
I ran the 5k! Marc and I woke up at 5:30 am to be ready for the 8am race. It was pouring down rain and the air was so humid and sticky. I can't believe I accomplished it - especially under such yecchy conditions. Marc took a picture of me just before crossing the finish line. When I get it developed I'll post it on here. I've picked out another 5k to do at the 3 week point and a 10k for the end of my 6 weeks. I've been doing so well on the exercise. I'm really proud of myself. The food part has been okay. I didn't do very well when I went home for the funeral. Food and emotions are not a good combination for me, but on the whole I think I did pretty well. My weight, unfortunately, didn't budge. I'm just going to keep at it. Now that I've started a routine with the exercise, it's not so hard to do. I think it's the 2 days at my mom's house that messed me up this week.
Did you know that Oprah has a web site? I read about it in another journal. It's at WWW.OPRAH.COM - it's worth checking out.
We can do it!!!
- Beth
June 9th - Friday - 4pm
I had some pretty sad news last night. My grandmother's boyfriend passed away. It's weird calling him "my grandmother's boyfriend". They've been together since I was about 10 years old - so for 22 years he's been a part of my life. I don't even know what I'm feeling. I'm more sad then I thought I would be. I don't mean that to sound the way it does. The truth is that he was a very difficult man to like. He had a very abrasive way about him - when I was in middle school, he used to make jokes about me being fat. I didn't want to go to my grandma's house (actually it was his house - she lived with him) because I was afraid of what embarassing joke he might make. When I got older, I pretty much tried to stay away from him. The thing is, he really had a good heart, making those jokes was his way of relating to people. He didn't do it all that often, but even one was enough - especially when you're young and so self-conscious. I think he realized later that it hurt my feelings and he stopped, even though I was much heavier, but by then I just tried to stay out of view. I'm still sad that he's gone. It just doesn't seem right that he's gone. I'll miss him. He was always willing to help people - he'd loan you his truck or loan dad his tools. He always made sure every single person had gifts to open on the holidays. He wanted people to feel welcome when they visited. He had this little dog that he just adored. I guess what I'm saying is that I can see as an adult that no one is all bad or all good (well, Jesus is all good). I just feel very sad that he's gone. I've lost another part of my childhood now. Every christmas eve we would go to Grandma and Roy's house - it was packed with people from both of their families - we would all complain about how hot Roy kept the house and all of the people from his family outnumbering those from our family, but it was also something I miss now that it's gone. Now that he's gone, I can see him with more compassion. I also don't mean that the way it sounded. I really felt very sorry for him as I watched him get older and weaker. The weight comments had stopped years ago, but the shadow was still there and I think it kept me from ever feeling really comfortable with him. Now that he's gone - I just see him as a man - not someone whose words I was afraid of. He was just a man that loved my Grandma and didn't know how to relate to people - said the wrong things in an attempt to relate. I let those words and that fear cloud how I saw him. I can see now that I loved him. I can see the good in him. I can also see that words are just words. I feel sorry for him - I wish I could've seen that earlier.
My sister reads my journal and I really wonder what her feelings are. We haven't really had a chance to talk, but I'll see her when I go home for the services.
The older I get the more pieces of my childhood I lose. Life is very fragile and each day is precious - taking care of myself is so important. Not just for appearances, but so that I can stretch as many days out of this life as possible by being healthy - and also so I can fully enjoy each day without letting concerns about my body make me afraid to do things and go places.
Roy: I forgive you.
- Beth
June 8th - Thurs - 3pm
Hey everyone! I have great news! I signed up for that 5k Sunday 6/11 and I've been wondering what the heck I got myself into. Well, last night I put on my running shoes to do 3 miles - walk or run - but do 3 miles so I would know what I was in for on Sunday. Well, I ran the whole 3 miles without stopping! I couldn't believe it!!! I'm really on a roll with exercise. Tuesday I went bike riding with Kris, yesterday I ran the 3 miles and this morning Marc and I got up early and went for a 2 mile walk. Tonight we're going bike riding again. I'm on such a high. When I was out there running yesterday and realized I was going to be able to run the whole thing - I had this amazing daydream about being healthy, thin and in-shape. I could SEE it! I feel like summer is here and my whole body is waking up.
Marc asked if I wanted to go ahead and buy the bike (my goal bike). It's so tempting, but I really feel like I haven't earned it yet - so I said no. He really wants me to get that bike because mine is junk and it really holds me back when we ride together. Just another reason to lose this weight.
Now for the food part: I've decided to make a real effort to focus on what I can eat instead of what I can't. Let me rephrase that - I don't want to focus on food at all, but like it or not, I love food. I'm going to take the time to go to the grocery and to cook some meals ahead. Tonight we're having turkey burgers on the grill - yum!
Well gang - work is calling!
- Beth
June 6th - Tues - 11pm
Well, I'm off to a good start. Today I went for a bike ride with my friend Kris. Kris has always been very thin, but lately has gained a little weight and thinks she's fat (I'd love to be what she calls fat!!!). Anyway, she wants to start exercising with me, which I think is great! We went to Target and bought some new work out things and then out on the bike trail. It felt great! I have the 5k run on Sunday (Yikes! What was I thinking - panic!!)
I'll keep this first entry short because it's already 11pm and I need to get some sleep.
We can do this!!!
- Beth
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